As boys and girls enter puberty, they are bombarded with messages that associate attractiveness with violence. These messages – from their peer group, TV shows, movies, music, social media, etc. – portray boys with violent and degrading attitudes toward girls as attractive, but not so much those who treat girls well.

An example of these messages can be seen in the 2019 film Afterbased on a 2014 novel of the same name. The main character starts off with a high school boyfriend – a nice guy who she treats more like a friend than a lover – but when she goes to college, she cheats on him with a more attractive “bad boy”. Her boyfriend’s reaction is sympathetic, which only makes him seem insecure. Later, the girl finds out that her new flame was only with her because of a bet, but that doesn’t make him any less attractive, because in the end he seems to “really” fall in love.

Dominance and coercion

Messages linking attraction to violence and contempt can appear in different settings and in different ways. This connection is called the “coercive dominant discourse.” Long-term exposure to this discourse leads girls to find violent boys attractive, which eventually drives them into toxic emotional and sexual relationships.

In our recent study, we analyzed how this discourse manifests itself within a peer group and leads some girls to enter into so-called “contemptuous relationships” with boys who do not treat them well and display violent attitudes and behaviors, and to suffer the consequences.

To do this, we interviewed 59 boys and 71 girls from three different secondary schools, all aged between 15 and 16. They told us about the interactions in their peer groups – the groups of people of a similar age with whom they share interests and activities inside or outside school and with whom they socialise and build their identities.

Peer pressure and the desire to belong

The peer group is one of the most important contexts for adolescent socialization and learning, and peer pressure can lead some girls to become involved with violent boys even when they do not want to.

The peer group also puts pressure on girls by repeatedly telling them that they should like boys with violent attitudes and behavior, which leads many of them to eventually like – or believe they like – that type of boy. This pressure leads to violent behavior being normalized and accepted, and even leads girls to mistake it for love and push them into toxic relationships.

Peer pressure also has its roots in the media messages to which young people are exposed.

“I saw a series in which the girl first dated a boy who didn’t treat her well and then left her. He kept telling her that she was ugly… and she didn’t realize that there was another boy in her class who always cared about her and liked her.” (Teenager, female research participant)

Boys, in turn, are pushed to follow patterns of violent and contemptuous masculinity if they want to be attractive to girls and succeed.

The danger of boredom

Girls who already have a stable relationship with a boy who is non-violent are labeled “boring” by the dominant coercion in the group and pushed to cheat on their boyfriends with boys who display more violent attitudes and behaviors. This is because, as the girls who participated in our study explained in their accounts of their experiences, “that’s the fun part.”

The violent behavior can range from bragging about having an affair with someone and then belittling that person, to looking down on a girl after they’ve been together, to condescending to mistreating her in front of others and when the two are alone.

There are girls who end up giving in to this pressure, dating people they don’t want to be with and cheating on people they like because they don’t want to be considered boring in their group and are afraid of losing their friends. And the role of their peers doesn’t always end there.

The harassment can continue when, for example, friends take photos of a girl with a boy – either intimately or so close together that it looks like it’s them. They may then send the photo to the girl’s boyfriend, send it to more people, or post it on the Internet, spreading their deception to the wider world and damaging the girl’s relationship with her boyfriend.

Health consequences of gender-based violence

Scientific research has shown that gender-based violence has negative health effects, including chronic pain and an increased risk of sexually transmitted diseases, depression and suicidal tendencies.

About 27% of women and girls aged 15-49 have experienced some form of physical or sexual violence. Therefore, it is necessary to identify the factors that increase the risk of gender-based violence, especially among younger girls entering their first relationship.

Our research shows that despicable affairs are one such factor that increases the risk of gender-based violence among teenagers, as they educate girls to normalize violence and be attracted to it. Moreover, when these relationships are shared with many people or posted online, they are forever linked to the girl, with potentially serious consequences for her health. As one of them said, “The photo will follow you to the grave. Some people end up committing suicide because it hurts so much.”

(Good) friends can prevent the problem

When girls are pressured into violent or abusive relationships, their likelihood of becoming victims of gender-based violence increases. But just as a girl’s peer group can put pressure on her to enter into such relationships, it can also help prevent them.

In our study, girls talked about peer pressure or “fear of losing their friends,” but they also mentioned “fake friends” who would pressure them into a relationship with someone they don’t want to be with.

According to the results of this and other studies, working on good friendships from an early age can be an important contribution to the prevention of and protection from gender-based violence.