It was hard to tear myself away from watching the DNC’s ceremonial roll call on repeat, but the time I spent with Catherine de Medici and her family this week was well worth it. Dare I call this the best episode of the season so far? You could say the diamond of the season? I dare! Catherine finally got her act together and is the Serpent Queen. That’s what we’re all here for, and instead she was a Mixed up the whole season. If I wanted to see a woman walking around with no idea what to do, I would watch another Mary Stuart movie.

That’s a terrible thing to say, but I’m… looking forward to… the St. Bartholomew’s Day massacre? That can’t be true… but it is! In reality, it was clearly terrible, but in this fictional world where we mix timelines together and invent relationships and keep people alive who weren’t alive at the time, the Protestants are a real thorn in my side and I need Catherine to win. I just want her to stop Sister Edith, even though Edith makes some very good points about monarchies being stupid. But this show isn’t called Sister EdithAlso, she forces people to convert under threat of death, and that’s not cool.

Catherine discovers that Charles has consumption. At the beginning of the episode, she’s still confused and says some really awful things to Anjou, like it’s his fault, Hercule, and that Charles is going to die now, and that he’s shamed her his whole life. Then she starts talking about deviance and how he has to hide who he is. Anjou responds that whatever she’s ashamed about him also lives in Catherine, which she confirms on camera. What? What? I was still in the “she says awful things to her queer child” headspace, so I took that to imply that she’s queer too, which I don’t believe lyrically. So it must be referring to his temperament and selfishness? But presumably she’s also saying she’s ashamed of her queerness, so I’m going to dismiss that line because it’s confusing.

Margot is now on the board and is being used by everyone for their own ends. Well, except François de Guise, who is trying to Harry and the Hendersons by being mean to her to dissuade her from wanting to marry him. Unfortunately, he does that by telling her it’s not safe for her to be close to him, and that’s exactly how he gets her to care more about him. He calls her “little girl” and I expected him to start singing “Sixteen Going On Seventeen.” Isn’t Margot like 25? François also refers to her as a child when Antoinette wants him to marry her to appease the Catholic League. (Philippine Velge, the actress who plays Margot, got her BA in 2018, so I’m guessing 28? I’m just saying it’s weird.)

The Catholic League threatens François with skinning his brother, the cardinal, and burning him alive if François does not marry Margot. Mister. They want this so they can put François on the throne until his presumed son with Margot comes of age, and then they’ll have a purely Catholic ruler. I thought Charles was one already, but then he’ll be baptized as a Protestant, so that theory is invalid. Charles is trying to figure out how to save France, which turns out to be very difficult. His solution is to become a Protestant and hopefully appease Edith’s supporters. Sure, why not?

But what about his planned marriage to Elizabeth? Elizabeth has already hinted at her fondness for Anjou, which Catherine recognizes. Elizabeth also knows what consumption looks like, and she says she witnessed her own sister succumb to it. No, she didn’t! Mary I probably died of cancer. Then Elizabeth says, “She wasn’t always known as Mad Mary.” Was she ever??? Literally the only thing I could find related to “Mad Mary” was Mary Lamb, the unfortunate sister of writer Charles Lamb. You can’t just make things up! What if people start talking about Elizabeth I’s insane and consumptive sister who never existed?

Okay, but Elizabeth’s final scenes at the French court are really great. I’m very thrown through these consecutive crazy statements. Elizabeth gets a hint that Anjou isn’t at his best right now, so she suggests visiting him in his chambers to announce their engagement. When Elizabeth and Catherine walk in, a full-blown orgy is in progress, with a young man performing oral sex on Anjou. Elizabeth leaves, saying she imagines Catherine and Anjou have a lot to talk about. Anjou tells Catherine to close the door because he’s not quite ready. So that’s where we are. Given what Catherine said to Anjou earlier, though, I’m not particularly surprised.

The next morning, Catherine is at her lowest point. Rahima has disappeared and is unable to make Catherine presentable, her children are dying like flies and Elizabeth is now leaving court. Catherine realises that Elizabeth never intended to marry Charles or Anjou and she accuses Elizabeth of coming to France to gain advantages for England. Elizabeth is like, well yes. Catherine points out that all her giggling/flirting act isn’t going to last forever and Elizabeth is like, “Let me explain something to you.” Yeeeeeessss. I love “the facade falls” moments. She’s basically saying that men can do whatever they want, but that Elizabeth has to pretend to be a virgin and Catherine has to pretend to be a witch for them to get anywhere.

Then, as a farewell, Elizabeth shows Catherine the document signed by Louis de Bourbon and tells her to put her house in order, as Catherine is obviously unaware of what is going on in her own court. This is a sign of respect! Damn, this Elizabeth is great, apart from the weird, made-up stories about her sister.

The Bourbons see Elizabeth leave and leave the court just before they are arrested for treason. Now they are with Sister Edith, along with Jeanne and Henry and Aabis and Montmorency. And the Cardinal, but he is a spy at court, so pssssssss. Catherine clearly has a plan now, especially after she finds out that her half-brother is using her for money (I mean, you barely know him, Catherine) and Rahima fucks him in a forest. Why! Were there no beds available? Do you know how many insects live in a forest?

Catherine visits Ruggieri just before his departure and he helps her to have a vision. Okay, when she was able to identify five of the six traitors, but not the last one, and he says: here’s something to drink so you can see who’s lastdidn’t you think it would be him and that he would have poisoned her or something?? That felt like a classic betrayal but no, he actually helps her have a vision. The sixth traitor is a child. Catherine asks if it’s one of hers and Ruggieri says “who knows?” OK, so that’s useless. Everyone is someone’s child. Are you kidding me, Ruggieri?

Margot asks Catherine if she can marry François and Catherine says: Yes, of coursewhich means she’s lying. She uses one of Rahima’s sexy spies to find out that the Catholic League wants to put François on the throne, and she apologizes to Anjou for what she said. It’s a nice apology. Is it real? Who knows! Maybe.

We end with Catherine making a deal with sister Edith just before Charles’ baptism that Antoine’s son Henry will marry Margot and Catherine will make Edith regent. How is that legal? I don’t know, but I’m definitely not researching 16th century French regency law. I have my limits.

Sister Edith sucks and I want Catherine to have a master plan that goes very well, so hopefully that’s next week. And what if we have a spin-off called The Virgin and the Witchwhere Elizabeth and Catherine are con artists ripping off the world? I will only support that if Minnie Driver and Samantha Morton are in it. Although I will accept Megan Follows too.