The Snake Queen

Courting the Valois

Season 2

Episode 6

Editor’s Rating

3 stars

***

Photo: Starz

We have less Sister Edith and more Elizabeth this week, which is excellent. If I wanted to see disillusioned farmers, I would watch a video of me and my wife staring at our grocery bill. We are not here watching depressing documentaries in these very troubling times. We are seeing Love Island. (Why did Rob choose that jumpsuit?) That’s my favorite way to spend time. That’s why it was so nice to see so many scenes with Minnie Driver as the crazy but brilliant Elizabeth I. I’m so sick of seeing sympathetic portrayals of Mary Queen of Scots where Elizabeth is moping in a corner about not having children. Here, Elizabeth doesn’t give a damn about children and is here to take over France and get blown by French nobles.

All this surprises the Bourbons, who think Elizabeth is in the Netherlands. But no, she is at court as a prospective bride for Charles. This is also made-up nonsense, but we shouldn’t care. Elizabeth in conversation with Catherine de’ Medici is my Wattpad One Direction fanfiction. Catherine is determined to make this marriage happen in order to achieve her goal of uniting France and securing peace.

That goal could be thwarted by Cardinal de Guise, who was baptized by Sister Edith last week and now agrees to spy for her at court. I don’t know how effective he can be as a spy when everyone is saying, “Oh, hey, the cardinal was baptized by Protestants and is probably not trustworthy now.” Plus, he’s extremely obnoxious in the special way that new converts can be. He’s trying to convince his brother François to seek out Sister Edith.

The Cardinal’s switch to the other side is so widely known that the sinister Catholic League pays Antoinette a visit and tells her to sort out her son’s shit. Antoinette relays this message to François, stressing that her brand represents the Catholic aristocracy and that the Cardinal better not screw this up with his “spiritual awakening” and “discovery of meaning in his life.”

All that happens this week with the famous Sister Edith is that she asks the Cardinal to spy, as mentioned, and argues with Montmorency when he tells her that she is confusing God’s voice with the voice in her head and that never ends well. It’s so true! Although telling her that might have burned a bridge. No one who believes God is speaking to them wants to hear, “No, those are just your thoughts, Steve.” Steve isn’t going to say, “Oh, wow, thanks for that information.”

Elizabeth enters the French court with Throckmorton at her side. The music is amazing here. The Guises are asked for their opinion on the Elizabeth/Charles couple and Antoinette mentions her concern for Mary, Queen of Scots. Throckmorton says that if France gives Calais back to England, maybe they can come to an agreement about Mary. Elizabeth really wanted Calais back! Even though it made no sense at all why it should be part of England. Elizabeth and Anjou have a verbal exchange in one of my favorite moments and Catherine invites Elizabeth to go hunting.

Before the hunt, Louis visits Elizabeth because he feels hurt and thought they had something. Elizabeth tells him that she will marry Charles and live in England, and Louis can take care of the shop, so in France. Then she opens her skirts and tells him to make himself useful. Again, as a teenager, I would have hated The.

At the hunt, we are finally treated to the owl headdress that the show has been featuring in seasonal images for months. This is really why I’m here. Elizabeth is sitting on a horse wearing a bird headdress with distinctly owl-like features. And pull it offI might add. OWL HAT. Elizabeth makes a bet with Catherine that whoever catches the biggest deer gets to set the terms of the marriage. Okay, dokey. Charles falls off his horse after Catherine sees a crow eating a snake in front of a nest of broken eggs. An embarrassingly obvious metaphor after Cosimo Ruggieri tells us the raven is a symbol of England! So now we’re probably going to lose another Medici child, and if so, we’re left with Anjou and Margot. It’s a “five little monkeys jumping on the bed” vibe, except for three and possibly two.

Side note: Alessandro talks to Rahima and tells her that the Earth is not flat, which is surprising news to her. This scene is a continuation of even more ahistorical nonsense, but it is fine. You know what? Not good. This is the late 16th century, and at that time people were aware of the fact that the Earth is not flat. Scientists were not attacked by the Church for saying that. Scientists got in trouble for saying that the Earth revolved around the Sun, which different. Anyway, I’m not rooting for Alessandro and Rahima. Rahima is too good for him and his pandering talk of being free and teaching her things she already knows. Later, she tells Catherine that Alessandro might be stealing money from the Tuileries project, which he admits to Rahima, and then they probably fuck. Boooooo.

When we’re done, Catherine wakes up to find some witch’s wand art on the pillow next to her. When she rides all the way into the woods to confront Ruggieri, he asks, “What the hell is that?” and he says it’s “a warning.” What?? You think she’s in trouble, so you have someone smuggle in witch’s twigs, an item she doesn’t understand anyway? Couldn’t they have sent her a message saying, “Hey, come visit me in the woods?” That’s so strange, Cosimo. Anyway, Catherine is super pissed when he tells her that she is surrounded by traitors and doesn’t understand, and she tells him to get lost. An owl flies after her. Elizabeth!!

Transformed back into her human form (for those who don’t watch the series: Elizabeth cannot transform into an owl; it is not a My Lady Jane situation), Elizabeth goads Anjou and Charles into fencing each other. Catherine threatens Anjou to let Charles win, even though Charles is a little shaky since being thrown from his horse. Anjou tries to give Charles the win, even after Charles calls him some pretty bad names, but “a little shaky” turns into “completely unconscious” and as Catherine leans over him, Charles coughs up blood into a handkerchief. Catherine assures everyone that he is fine, he is fine. Over!! Wait, so Anjou is going to be king now?