Not long ago I left my phone in a taxi one night. I had been drinking and it took me a while to realise the loss but the taxi was many miles away. I called my phone more by accident than in the hope that it hadn’t already been re-texted and was on its way to an exciting new life. To my surprise and delight a very articulate young man took it and invited me to collect it the next morning in Walthamstow, East London.

And here I was wrong again. The word Walthamstow had a slightly menacing connotation for my generation. It had a Cockney villainy about it, a synonym for “entertainingly dodgy” in 1970s sitcoms. The kind of place where Arthur Daley or Del Boy could pick up some “goods”. It was literally East 17. I had been there once in the mid-1980s and had a grim memory of a dodgy district.

But when I headed there that Sunday morning, it was teeming with “nice” middle-class people – with arts and crafts here and boutiques there and a huge, well-stocked farmers’ market selling grass-fed organic beef and honey from “ethical” beekeepers. It was the height of gentrification.

But apparently not anymore. Don’t miss it! The residents of Walthamstow are outraged at the impending opening of the (slightly) upmarket bakery-café chain Gail’s on their streets. A certain James Harvey has started a petition which states: “Walthamstow Village, a vibrant area of ​​London, UK, is valued for its numerous local, independent and family-run businesses. Our high street, a flagship of these sought-after businesses, sees its uniqueness threatened by the prospect of Gail’s, a major bakery chain, setting up shop there.”

What is this bakery-fresh nonsense? Property prices in the Waltham Forest area have risen 101 percent in the last decade. The place is full of men in man buns and women with lap dogs. Complaining about gentrification now seems a little late. In truth, the petition seems to be about preserving the “indie” aesthetic that the middle class loves so much. Gail’s will attract the wrong kind, you know.

There may be another factor in this Chai Latte storm. The big investor in Gail’s is businessman Luke Johnson, who has made the terrible mistake of a) being a conservative (a real one, not a Conservative Party representative) and b) not being silent on social media. Johnson has – God forbid! – made a considerable fortune giving the people what they want and was also chairman of Pizza Express. He also has perfectly normal and reasonable opinions on lockdown, the climate crisis, etc. I suspect that’s what’s making Walthamites angry.

Walthamstow was, after all, one of the key locations allegedly targeted by the “far right” on that strange night last week when we were told they were planning hundreds of riots. Thousands of Walthamstowians gathered under the leadership of local MP Stella Creasy to protect the borough from a race war that no one else was coming to. The only trouble that arose was when a Labour councillor was arrested and charged for allegedly calling for the throats of the far right to be slit. This crowd was, of course, littered with Palestinian flags and SWP posters, those eternal symbols of peace and racial harmony.

A piece in Daily Mail from the local with the wonderful name Michaela Twite tells us:

“Last week, thousands of people showed up to drown out possible racists who were trying to start a riot. Apparently a few of them came out of the subway station, saw the crowd, and immediately ran back inside. Bye!”

I thank Michaela for introducing this information with “Apparently”. More people should do that as it sets the tone for so-called “fake news” very well. If only the BBC would do that – “Apparently Israel bombed a hospital” or “Apparently it’s the hottest June on record” – then we would all know where we stand.

As always, it’s all about classy vibes. A barista in one of the indie cafes in Walthamstow told The times: “We’ve just had this huge, diverse counter-protest to protect Walthamstow from the far right, and I doubt Luke Johnson would support that. He’s very different to the people here. His views are not the same.” Well, if he seems likely to maybe possibly start a race riot…

It’s so sad. And it always seems to revolve around such trivialities – this time scones and bagels with seeds, but it could just as easily be young adult books, science fiction CDs or knitting.

Also, sourdough bread is awful. People only pretend to like it, as is the case with many mediocre middle-class tastes. What Walthamstow Village really needs is a big bacon sandwich. And to keep their mouths shut.

Gareth Roberts is a screenwriter and novelist, best known for his work on Doctor Who.