This post is an excerpt from nonbinary author Ginelle Testa’s book Make a Home out of You, out September 3, 2024 from She Writes Press. Testa spent her youth searching for a home in one destructive place after another and battling addictions—to sex, love, weight loss, drugs, and alcohol—before finding a way to work her way up from rock bottom and find a happy home within herself. Her triumphant new book is a riveting true story of the slow, confusing, and surprisingly funny fight back from the brink.

After texting for three days, Penny texted me a few hours before we were scheduled to meet at the beach.

I’m nervous. 🙂 but excited to meet you.

Are you allowed to say that? I wondered. That you’re nervous? I raised my eyebrows as I read her text, because I’d never been so open about my feelings. I kind of liked that, because being vulnerable just meant being honest, and in my few experiences with honesty, I felt like telling the truth was like opening a pressure release valve. The muscles in my jaw relaxed as I started typing. I figured I could be honest, too.

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I’m nervous too. And excited!

The entire ride there, I wanted to jump out of my seat and dance. I felt my smile spreading across my face and I turned on Beyoncé’s “Love on Top” to lift my spirits. I nodded my head and thought, “I can’t wait to meet her.” I hoped she wouldn’t be put off if she found out I was a gay baby. My sexual experiences with women so far have been limited to drunken kisses late at night and never talking about it again afterward.

Penny and I met on a beach between our hometowns around 4pm on a weekday. It was April and not quite warm enough for summer clothes, so I was bundled up in a sweatshirt. When I arrived, I saw Penny in her gold Pontiac, already there and waiting for me. My stomach turned. We both got out, grinning widely. The spring breeze of New England blew around us as we leaned in for a hug.

Penny smelled of Old Spice, a scent that men often wear. I liked it and noticed that her appearance matched the men’s perfume. She wore an orange t-shirt that accentuated her slim figure and showed off her flat stomach and almost flat breasts. Her hair was tied up with a sports towel and she wore baggy jeans like a man would wear. I leaned in further and our hug lasted a few seconds.

“Do you want to go for a walk on the beach?” She pointed toward the sea.

“Yes.” I smiled and stepped in front of her, grimacing with joy as I knew she couldn’t see my expression. Our feet left prints in the sand as we walked together and started talking.

“You know, I was surprised you told me you were nervous.” I laughed and turned to her as I walked backwards.

“Yes? Why is that?” she giggled, her soft green eyes meeting mine.

“Because, I don’t know. Shouldn’t we just be cool or something?” I giggled awkwardly a few times before she burst out laughing.

“You don’t have to do that with me.” She beamed.

“I guess I’ve always tried to keep my cool, but it feels kind of good to just be myself,” I said. I exhaled deeply and giggled. How could this happen? Penny nodded and stopped.

My laughter subsided and I noticed that she looked perfect without a bit of makeup. I swallowed hard. Oh my God, this girl was too beautiful to be true.

“Do you want to sit down?” She pointed to the sand.

“Yeah.” I was still trying to act cool, but I was shaking.

We sat on our butts on the ground and I let the grainy sand run through my fingertips. I tried not to look at her because I was nervous. Her shoulder brushed mine and we kept our shoulders connected.

“This is my first date with a girl,” I blurted out. My shoulders tensed. I hoped she wouldn’t run away. There was a pause. I did it, I thought. I scared Penny away.

“Don’t worry,” she said, smiling. “I don’t care.”

My shoulders dropped and my breathing calmed. Well, here we go, I thought as I leaned my head on her shoulder. Her hand slowly slid to mine and she intertwined her fingers with mine. The softness of her skin made me want to become the ocean with her, waves kissing and flowing into each other.

We chatted for a few hours and got to know each other. Then, with a gentle smile, she said, “Tell me what it was like coming out.”

“It’s been great for the most part. I haven’t told my parents yet though. I’ve been waiting until I meet someone…”

“Got you.” Penny hadn’t stopped smiling the entire time we were together. Neither had I. We looked at each other in the moonlight as she leaned forward and placed her soft lips on mine. I tried not to freak out, as I was still nervous, so I didn’t use my tongue.

“Wow,” I said, pulling back for a moment. “It’s really nice to do this sober.”

“I get it, honestly. I kissed girls while drinking before I realized I was gay.”

“No way!” I was relieved. “When did you get out?”

“Only two years ago, when I was seventeen.”

Penny was a year older than me and I started to relax knowing that she had a similar past. It was a miracle. For the first time in my life I felt hopeful that I could be with someone who wasn’t a man.

Penny was gentle, soft, sweet, and actually did something with her life – she went to school and worked. And she was a girl. A girl!

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