“I’m just so excited to see his hometown and meet his family!”

“I really need to break down my walls and express how I feel.”

“So, what interests you about my son?”

“He really lets me just be myself. I’ve never felt so understood. We have a great time together, but he hasn’t expressed how he feels.”

“You have to tear down your walls if you don’t want to lose her. I know it’s scary, but love is worth it.”

“I’m falling in love with you.”

“I’m really pleased about that.”

Repeat this four times and roll the rose for the ceremony.

WHAT A SLEEPFEST!!! I’m sorry, but I’m NOT SORRY! What a damn sleepfest. What is happening to our The Bachelorette that we can’t even get a date in our hometown with interest or drama? All four dates were the same. ALL FOUR. I know, “Devin,” “said,” “I,” “love,” or whatever, but every single hometown date basically had the exact same plot and the exact same beats. Even I, Ali Barthwell, a three-time Emmy winner and winner of one of those Instagram giveaways for an earring case, have a really hard time coming up with something. Oh, I just remembered something else: I had genuinely forgotten that Marcus was a contestant. That’s how bored I was. I kept thinking, “There’s going to be four hometown dates… who gets the last one? Oooohhhh, the guy who packed an American flag in his suitcase and really doesn’t want you searching for ‘Marcus Bachelorette Reddit’ right now.” That was a nothing episode. They had so much extra time in the episode that they put in a shot of the guys grabbing a beer? This show has a distinct visual language, and “season two Vanderpump Rules It is not “boys’ night”.

Jenn, what happened girl? Are your relationship patterns so ingrained that you basically have three identical relationship dynamics? Did casting screw up and only cast guys who have been cheated on that they’re so afraid to admit their feelings? PRODUCTION, WHERE WERE YOU? The best we got for Jeremy’s date was a walk through a grocery store?!?! I will admit that in kindergarten we took a field trip to the grocery store and we got to go in the back where the trucks were unloaded, see the break room, and take home a bag of grapes. Over fifty years later, I still think back to that field trip. But for a HOMETOWN DATE? We couldn’t flood the grocery store with Jeremy’s friends and ex-girlfriends and create some sort of emotional minefield?? Just off the top of my head – Jeremy theme Supermarket raid! Jenn has to run all over the store to find his favorite foods or the ingredients he needs for his family recipes. I don’t even work for you guys and these ideas are GOLD. There has to be a museum within driving distance.

And where are the weird family dynamics? Devin said his family was “unconventional.” We saw Deanie Babie and his Sikh father, who no longer spoke to him, rolling around on pillows on the floor as Dean tried to talk about his mother’s death, and his father said, “My son is a mystery to me. I don’t know why he was so upset when his mother died. What he thinks of me is his opinion of himself. Look: The Gong is a really great thing.” Your parents are divorced and your stepdad is named Todd, Devin. I’m not saying we need to torture these guys, but zzzzzzz!!!

What is there to say? Please let me know in the comments. Because it’s Devin, right? It HAS to be. He’s the only one she gets all excited about when he says he loves her. Here’s how it’s going to go: Marcus is eliminated at Fantasy Suites and it’s uncertain if he’ll even make it to the sleepover. Jonathan and Devin go to the Final Two dates. She proposes to Devin. End of the season. Cue “After the Final Rose,” where Devin says he’s had a lot of conversations with Jenn about his Instagram likes and has learned to be more open-minded. Jenn announces that she Dancing with the stars as the smallest contestant on the show. They bring out 5-7 Instagram baddies for Grant. Show the bloopers.

So let’s tackle it in every way we can.

And shout-out to Jonathan’s brother and his fiancée, who said they met on Tinder and said “I love you” on the third date. I turned to my boyfriend (who I met on Tinder and said “I love you” to after two and a half dates) and said, “This is us.”

Maybe at this point we just need to give a brief overview of the guys and their advantages and disadvantages.

Devin’s hometown is Houston, Texas.

Advantages:
• Cute dog.
• He loves Jenn the most and sometimes the best strategy for the Bachelorette is to just pick the one who loves you the most.
• Tells Jenn that he needs to lean on her, communicative and emotionally attentive.

Disadvantages:
• He chose a running route for his performance in his hometown. Where is the budget? Where is the creativity?
• Forgot Todd.
• Fear that Jenn will turn around and tell someone else she loves him (not going to happen).

At the end of the hometown date, Devin tells her he loves her, and she’s ready to say it too.

Jeremy’s hometown is Fairfield, Connecticut.

Advantages:
• They already have an inside joke: “Did you bring me here to kill me?”
• Cool sister who sees through his bullshit right away. I can only assume she’s majoring in art history or some other cool subject.
• He is nice???

Disadvantages:
• Your inside joke was funny the first time.
• Appears to have been raised by haunted animatronics and cow mascots.
• His mother was actually kidding him when she said, “When I heard Jenn describe what she was looking for in a man, I said, ‘That’s not Jeremy.'”

Jeremy’s mother is literally the only person in the entire episode who offers resistance in the gentlest, most genuine way possible while sipping her glass of white wine. A Connecticut mother who is judgmental but ultimately right? The heroine we need in these trying times. Jeremy also says he’s in love with Jenn, but not “falling in love.” Have we lost the “falling in love” step on the emotional ladder?

Jonathan’s date is in San Diego, California.

Advantages:
• Jonathan and Jenn are such a cute sport couple. Like one of those couples in high school where they were both on the varsity team in their respective sports.
• The hottest Jenntleman still alive.
• Calls his mother his biggest star.

Disadvantages:
• Honestly… what are the disadvantages? I can hardly find any??

At the end of the date, he tells Jennifer Trann that he’s falling in love with her, which is sweet. Please, no one on the internet looks at Jonathan’s past. I want to have this memory forever.

Time for the rose ceremony…

Oh shit! I forgot about Marcus again.

His date is in Tacoma, Washington.

Advantages:
• Adorable sister who loves him so much.
• Um… I… uh… hmmm…
• Why don’t YOU tell me why you like Marcus? Grab your girlfriends, put on floral dresses and write us your opinion in the comments!

Disadvantages:
• There was no activity that day! Am I crazy? They didn’t do any activity!! What the hell is going on with this Hometown episode?
• Jenn is afraid that Marcus is not on the same level as her and breaks down in tears while talking to his sister! Oh, honey!
• Increasing feeling that Marcus is portrayed as the main character because he is the only one who doubts the process.
• Bonus disadvantage: The Allegations

At the end of the hometown date, Marcus says he is falling in love with Jenn and that she has waited so long to hear those words.

Then the guys head to a brewery so their confidence can unsettle Marcus and start setting up the plot that leads into Fantasy Suites. We’re back at the Bachelor mansion for one final rose ceremony and DAMN, JENN!!! That white dress with that faux fur stole! This Is a slightly less well done version of Pilot Rachel’s first night dress, but when a bad bitch shows up with a body-ody-ody, you gotta give respect!

Eventually, Devin, Jonathan, and Marcus get roses and they head to Fantasy Suites. Yes, it was time for Jeremy to go, and Jeremy really did seem like the boring guy your girlfriend marries and you’re like, “Yeah, I like Jeremy. No notes,” after she dates the most toxic barista in human history.

Next week: two consecutive nights! Fantasy Suites and The Men Tell All!