Editor’s note: After the sudden death of the popular columnist Ken Hoffman on July 14 CultureMap is republishing some of our most popular columns from Hoffman’s Houston. Here, Ken discusses the challenges of planning a European vacation. The original edition was published on September 11, 2017.

Fake news doesn’t take a vacation. I took my iPad to the AT&T/DirecTV store.

“As far as I know, DirecTV has an app that allows you to watch TV on your iPad, phone, or any other device outside of your home.”

The salesman says, “That’s right, it’s called DirecTV Now. It normally costs $35, but I can offer it to you for half price.”

“Sign me up. But here’s the deal: I’m going to France for a week and I want to watch the US Open tennis tournament. If I sign up for DirecTV Now, can I watch ESPN on my iPad while I’m there?”

Guy says, “Absolutely, as long as you have Wi-Fi access, you can watch DirecTV Now and the package you buy includes ESPN.”

“How about CNN?

The guy says, “CNN, sure.”

I’m ready to go. There’s nothing I like better than visiting a foreign country and sitting in my hotel room watching American TV.

Of course, I click on the DirecTV Now app and the message appears on my iPad screen: “Unfortunately, DirecTV Now is not available outside the United States.”

But the guy said…

You know what they say: Necessity makes the Internet hackable. When I log into ExpressVPN, my iPad tricks DirecTV into thinking I’m in Los Angeles. And I can get ESPN and stay up all night watching Roger Federer get beat in the quarterfinals of the US Open. I’ll never experience that night again.

This ExpressVPN app worked perfectly. It cost $12.95 per month, but there are cheaper plans for people who are staying outside the US for longer or permanently. Another benefit of ExpressVPN: let’s say you’re visiting a country that has cracked down on certain websites, you can now access them. I’m not sure if that would be a good idea in some countries, but you might have someone knocking on your door.

I’ll talk to the DirecTV Now guy when I get home. Don’t you hate salespeople who don’t know their own product?

False information that reaches across national borders should be punished twice as much. For example…

Instead of staying in a hotel in Nice, France this week, I wanted to rent an apartment through a travel website. I wanted to experience what it would be like to live in Nice (apartment) rather than just visit (hotel) as usual. Plus, I would have more space in an apartment. European hotel rooms are usually tiny.

The advert said “One bedroom apartment in the old town” and showed photos where there was actually a kitchen, a living room, a comfortable bed and a spacious bathroom.

I get to the apartment, meet the landlady outside, and she lets me in. And up. Seven flights of stairs, but not the ones in your office building. They were steep, thigh-burning, uphill steps—103, I counted. And I was lugging a heavy duffel bag with my week’s supply of new Coke Zero, which I’m not too keen on either. Ten thousand flavors of soda, and they have to change the ones I drink.

The landlady said: “You didn’t know the apartment was on the 7th floor?”

No, I don’t, because you didn’t mention that in your ad. And thanks for leaving out “no elevator.”

We get to the apartment. There is no kitchen, just a sink and a toaster on a countertop. There is no “single room” either, just a ladder leading up to a ledge above the sink and toaster, with a mattress on the floor (I thought those days were over) and the ceiling just a meter above the mattress. If I sat up in bed – my head would bang! The electricity didn’t work. The landlady had to go downstairs and blow a fuse.

The shower cubicle in the mini bathroom was so small that I had to squeeze sideways between the sliding doors. My shoulders touched both sides of the cubicle.

One night it rained and I was awakened by the sound of dripping water from the ceiling. I was spooning a bowl of soup in bed that night.

This is not a one bedroom apartment in the heart of Old Nice – this is a dump. My apartment was smaller than a 2 star hotel room. I would have checked out on the first day but I had paid for the whole week in advance and just wanted to try and get my money back from this landlady.

The upside was that there was an Italian restaurant downstairs. Location, location, location. Pizza, lasagna, chicken parm. I left the windows open to fill my apartment with the smell of hot focaccia. Glade needs to know about this.

Now, to TripAdvisor. I took the train from Nice to Monaco, which is right next door. And Monaco is right next to Italy on the other side. The round trip ticket is only 7 euros, about $9. I searched TripAdvisor for a pizza recommendation. I found a place that “readers” claimed had the “best pizza in Europe” … “incredible pizza” … the “best kept pizza secret,” etc. It’s down a winding little side street deep in a corner of Monaco.

It was a takeaway shop in the wall, with reheated school pizza slices. The worst. The only people who would recommend this place are the owners. I give them “unbelievable” though.

But I’m still trudging along. I’m in Nice, the most beautiful city, and tonight I’m going to eat lasagne at the La Favola restaurant in the Cours Saleya flower market. The portions are huge and delicious. Everything will be wonderful again.